I have no words to describle or give a title for what i am writing. its like finding a word to decribe something that doesnt exist. anyways i want to write what i feel so that my blog cannot question me why i am thinking that way or who the F%$# i am to think that ways.. today someone told me that i am tryin to look my past in her. a past which bring me some not so good memories of my life. and the question is why would i like to see my past when it gives me pain and only pain??

No, i am not trying to see my past in anyone specialy those whome i love.. who have added a new dimention to my life.. who are part of me cause if i see my past i someone i will start hating them. lemme try to fit this example lets see how it goes. I used to love alcohol at one point of time but alcohol did something to me that i now hates it more than anything in life. suddenly one day i fell in love with water. water that fills the thirst in me. without which i cannot survive. if i would like to see alcohol in water or its properties in water i cant drink it. i just cant have something which i hates the most.

but on other hand its the duty of water to make sure that it doesnt want to adopt the properties of alcohol knowingly or unknowingly cause if we mix water and alcohol the same liquid will the loose its propertiest of quinching the thirst. it will make its drinker more thirsty.

ahhh bad expression and a bad try as well neways.. the point here is i dont want to see someone else in someone. i canot ditch there feelings and emotions. but i would request them not to do something that brings my past in front of me yet again.

watever like always bad in expressing myself..

Simplicity

These days everyone wants to be fashionable... everyone wants to look Hot. everyone wants to have that UUUmphhh factor in them.. i simply do not understand the reason for such a want. People who are already so beautiful, so good looking.. smart.. still are mad for achieving that X factor in them.

I belive that beauty comes from inside. for me the Hottness is how you carry urself even with a simple suit.. jeans and a top...there's a very thin line between sexyness and bitchiness.. i have seen people ruining there lives for that extra appriciation. people wear all those cloths which they are not even comfortable in ?? i mean rather than getting so very concious about ur dress like.. ohh those guys are staring at me.. shit they just passed a comment on me.. and then they ruin there day... a person will look as hot in a salwar kameez as they might look in mini;s .. many people just divert there whole life in looking.. HOT, Sexy, Cool, having that sex appeal ?? what for.. for they most handsome dude..??? do they understand that every thing has a good efect as well as a bad effect.. and like it is said.. everythings comes for a price and there is nothing as a free lunch.

i am a strong beliver in simplicity... nothing can beat simplicity... a human can look HOT..coool.. have that x factor even with simplicity.. just an urge from my side.. be what you are comfortable in.. if you are comfortable you can show ur real self. at the end of the day what matters is what you are from inside.. and not how u look and what you wear and how much sex appeal you have.

Ohh yaa.. all these fashion thing are just a way to hide ur true self.. and many a times it gives them a fake look.. those who loves you.. loves you for what ur ... i would say.. if you want to be something.. be supportive.. be happy... be smart... but never be a fake identity. guys dont have a cnfused identity... know what you are. what you goals in life are.. just fr the sake of tryig to be a model do change urself...

and alwayse remember everything comes for a price.. you might be happy to pay the price right now but.. make sure you dont regret. cause if u regret some day.. you life will become uncomfortable. u can work around with uncomfortable clothing.. but not with a uncomfortable life..

i myself is not the one who follows all this.. i myself is an example of stupidity.. but i learned from my experience.. dont burn ur finger to know what fire is.. it will always leave some ugly marks.

sometimes i also have some wants and desire.. i like things... i want things... something that makes me feel happy. I don't like comparing myself with others but i just cant help myself doing so. i am way way way better than many of the people alive today but at the same time there are uncountable people out there who have zillion times better life than me. i have everything that one could think off, but still i feel i have lost something or i miss something important in my life which can make me happy from inside, making my soul smile an not just the smile on my lips. i am confused many a times.. what i want from life or what are my wants which can make me happy... i myself is confused so badly for my own happiness. its like i just want to get across a right path, make myself walk on it want to see everything settle down without much trouble... peace of mind is something i cherish the most.. and this peace can not be achieved with insecurity.

i am scared of many things which i fear might go wrong however positive i try to think but i just cant help myself following the other way which is full of negative thoughts... opposite thinking.. when i want someone with me i get no one.. no one to listen to no one to talk to.. the one who say they love me they leave me on my own at the moment when i need them the most.. when i want to talk to them the most.. time is the biggest enemy i ever had.. it took everything from me.. innocence.. love... feelings.. everything... and the biggest thing that it took is suppor !!!!!!!!!

OK.. lemme be a copy cat this time as i am copying a whole article from a unknown person named DAWN.. hey DAWN no offence all credit goes to you.. you are the writer of this article and i am just copying it from u.. i hope u dont mind.. and if u mind i am really very sory for it..

here it goes..

We all say a change is always good, it brings lot of good things and we must embrace it positively. But what if the change is for not good?
Say instance, you make friends with someone for there good nature and after a while you realize your friend isn’t the same…now that is a change in behavior so what would you call that…?

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction” ~ Winston Churchill

Kamala was very happy with her love marriage as her hubby was the kind whom she always dreamt of. The loving and calm personality that he had which made her think very high of him. She always used to feel he is so different from others and she is so lucky to have him as her partner. Kamala’s husband was a software engineer. He was very hard working and yes a loving husband too! But as the competition was increasing he was having issues at work and he was trying his best to solve those issues so that he can nominated for his promotion.

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking” ~ Marcus Aurelius

Life isn’t easy with everything we all know this fact. There are lay-offs, office politics and what not, but one doesn’t just go and kill anyone or one doesn’t leave to live :D…I liked this when I thought in mind…how can your job frustrations let you not live … infact I have often seen people gain strength from there close ones and next day when they get back to work they give that punch with full force to achieve the success and desired goals.

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”

Kamala was noticing hubby’s change of attitude and everytime she asked him he discussed about his office problems and Kamala like a good friend always listened to him and would give him strength and support in a manner to relieve him with his stress off.
Things got worse in the office and it started showing in his behavior too. He was no more the calm and sweet guy. He used to be frustrated with an angry face, always yelling…even if its just a music that is put loud, he will yell and ask what is it? Things started getting out of control …the pleasing couple where only love existed every moment in there company…things started getting dry. There were no more talks, he used to put on the TV or watch movie and this was always a big valley between Kamala and her hubby. There were no more talks, only necessary talks were exchanged such as what’s to eat…where things are kept …am going to work etc.

“A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.”

Kamala married him because he was different but now she started thinking there is nothing as different!!! The two, once known as love birds… were now strangers.
Since there was no talk…the distance grew and Kamala had to take a decision as she couldn’t live like this. One day when Hubby came home, Kamala wasn’t there sitting waiting for him. He thought she must be in the washroom! He waited for some sort of noise to happen as if Kamala is busy doing something! As usual hubby came and started watching his movie with few peanuts in his hand.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” ~ James Dean

It was 10 at night and that’s when hubby felt to look for Kamala. It was too late. When he went to the bedroom, he saw the note –

“When life demands more of people than they demand of life - as is ordinarily the case - what results is a resentment of life almost as deep-seated as the fear of death”


A perfect naration of one;s life..

hope it doesnt happen with me.. and hope i can change the path of my life..

Cheers

A very nice song.. typical punjabbi lyrics.. at first i wanst able to understood even a single word wat singer was singing but then i kept on listening to it caust it has a nice and free flowing music.

then slowly slowly i started understanding it.. serched for lyrics of this song but coudn;t found t anywhere on net or may be i dint searched for it too hard...

though i wanted to upload the song here but i guess bloggers.com hasnt provided the facility to upload the songs.. so here it is the lyrics of the song..

jad aa pendi tere yaad siraane ,fir pata nahi ki hojanda
unj ta peen de aadi nahi, ghut yaad na rall peejanda,

daaru peen de aadi nahi assi mud to sovi aa,
rukki missi mil je raal lasside shoki aa,

bilkul hath ni lauda eede soo v khaddi nahi
kade kade ghut laaleda pakke aadi nahi,
arriya kerde mannu gal samjauni pendi hai
aise ker ke yaar glassy launi pendi aa.

yaara wicho yaar mera ek dard purana hai,
pakka dera lai betha, dil thekana hai ,
chup chapite jab yaad tere jad kol aabendi aa,
aaye gaye di seva ta fir kerni pendi aa
tere radi fir glassy ponni pendi aa
aise ker ke yaar glassy launi pendi aa.

changi cheez ni darru jaandi duniya sari hai
ishq rog de maarea lalayi hor bimari aa
dil de lagiya choota nu jad khol ke wekha main
tere ditte jakhma nu jad fol ke dekha main
na mildi hove chain te mal malgauni pendi aa
aise ker ke yaar glassy launi pendi aa.

mannad hanni naal jadoda hogaya dokha aa
peg assre time katida aukha sokha ae
duniya de naal aaj kal aapa ghat hi bolli da
botel de naal beke dil da dukhra kholli da
jad bottle dard wadave gal samjhauni pendi aa
aise ker ke yaar glassy launi pendi aa.

yaah so that it is.. for those who do not under stand something can ask me.. i can explain to an extend.. hehehe..

chao

Why does it happen ??

Now the big question is Why does it has to haapen... something in life which are nt suppose to happen should never happen at all. everyone is suppose to live happy.. live like king size.. have all the happy moments along with some ummm i would say pretty less sad moments ... Life has so many colours but why there is this one color for him ?? and specialy when he aint a bad Guy.. hasnt done much of a harm to others and is a decent chap.. like to remain alook, quite.. in his own world not interfearin in others life..

But then this is what life is.. no one is suppose to live forever. All i wish is there should be a lil more balance in life. but then again it will remain an Enigma. An Enigma that can never be answered. i sometime feels that not even God has the answer to it. He might have created everything in this world along with living and non living charectors but even he cant explain the enigma behind these happenings and why was only he was choosen for this.

May be next time when God create him he might have some mercy on him and will grant a better life than wat was given to him in this life time. a life full of joys, full of love and full of LIFE. When will God understand that everyone should have a life where by wen they die they should feel proud of the fact that they have lived a good life and have achieved something in life and not thinking that he was suppose to live and loved a bit longer.

And now the question on which this whlole article is based on ..

Why does the chicken needs to crooss the road?

just to be crushed by a speeding truck ?? is that why he was born in this world.. to be crushed by a speeding truck ?

No.. he do not deserve this death.. he is suppose to die like a chicken .. to be killed by a butcher and then hanged over Bar-B-Que with tasty marination on it.

A journey through thorns.

Suddenly his eyes opens and he can see the morning light coming into his room from the window which were still covered with beautiful curtains. it was a hot summer day with AC blowing at the lowest possible temperature, but still there were drops of sweat on his forehead. he went to the bathroom took a towel and wiped off his sweat. He had a bad dream, a dream that he cant remember but there was something unpleasant about that dream. it was already 6 in the morning and he has to get ready for the day. he came back to his room where he saw his wife sleeping and suddenly there was a smile in his face. his wife was due for a baby any moment of the day, it was just a matter of time. it was already her 9the month and 12th day.

he took out his cloths and went straight towards the only bathroom in his 2 room apartment. one of the room was already taken by his elder soon who was in 2nd standard. but from the day one there was something about the boy that bothered him all the time. he was never sure that his elder son would be able to take over the business that he is pursuing, which at that point was going into losses. and as the time passes he was sure that his elder son was not the one who would take on his seat once he retired. the moment he entered the bathroom to take shower he started worrying about the debt which he has to pay off. he remembered the day when he borrowed some funds from a man who has got not a good image in to market and if it wouldnt had been a desperate need of money he himself would have never come to him. But he wanted to invest the money in share market with a very strong tip from his best friend. but the tip was proving to be false and by that day he had already lost half of the money in the market.

He took his shower and got ready for the day. as he stepped out of the bathroom he could see his wife smiling with 2 slices of bread and a tea already placed on the table. he realized that he has taken more than half an hour to get ready and while he was thinking about the losses in the business his wife was already making breakfast for him. He went straight towards her and kissed her forehead. had his breakfast and he was ready to take on the day only thinking what worse could happen today. as the stock market had already crashed in previous week and there was no scope of any recovery in near future. as he entered his small office and started the very old computer that he recently purchased from a shop keeper, so that he can at least be ready to witness the opening of the market, may be he might can recover some money today. as he waited for stock market to open he got a call from one of his acquaintance that Mr. kevin brockner wants his money back within 48 hours. after the call has ended he couldn;t think about anything other than his fate. what will happen if he is not able to repay the money to kevin brockner and suddenly his phone rang again. but this time it was from his friend rokiee mart and he gave him the news. the market that day has opened on a very weak note and that the shares he has purchased are making nothing but looses and adviced him to sell off all the stock that he has so that he can cut his further losses. as he placed the reciver back on the phone he was already thinking about the money that he owe to Mr. Brockner as today was no lucky day as well. he was again making losses and that how he was supose to tell Mr. Brockner that he has no money to pay and that he might has extend the deadline by some more days. he was complely drowned in the thoughts when again his phone rang. He picked up the call and after few minutes of listening to the caller he placed the reciver back again but this time the reciver wasnt placed on the phone in a proper way. as he placed the reciver partly over the phone and partly over the desk he couldn;t bother has he put the reciver back properly or not and withen seconds he was sweeting badly. he closed his office for the day and took a cab straight to St. peter hospital.

Life and Death

Whenever i am Depressed or angry i tend to read about life and death and frankly speaking this topic actually has the power of calming me down. I in no way would like to title myself as a negative person in life who wants to die but then i do understand that in the END nothing matters. All that matters is that you should die with "Smile in your EYEs" and not with a "Pain in your EYEs".

So like always i searched for some nice topic to read through and i came across this very very nice article. This actually talks about Life and not death but as death is a part of life it is impossible to divorce these two words from each other.

One line that pops up in my mind - There is no life without death and there is no death without life.

Though the article is based on a movie called "Fifty First dates" but with a different angle. How about waking up everyday with no memories of previous day ?? sound similar to the movie..right.. not knowing where you were.. what you were doing day before and even unaware about what sleep actully is ... waking up every day with nothing in brain or with a blank memory (Just like a formated Hard Disk). The way he managed to explain the experience in words is worth an applause.

I am pasting the article here.. the article is written by "Harley Hahn" so all the credit goes to him.

The article is called "Thinking about death"

Imagine a group of primitive human beings who have no understanding of what it is like to be alive. Each day, they awake with no memory of the day before: every day and every experience is brand new. They have no knowledge of waking, sleeping, or anything else.

At the beginning of a new day, the primitive beings are happy. As they wake up, they have a sensation of being alive. They see the horizon become lighter and they hear birds sing. As the day progresses, they find many sources of delight: the smell of a flower, the sound of water rushing in a river, the feel of warmth on their skin. They look up and see a large, bright glowing globe along way away.

All of a sudden, something covers the globe and everything begins to grow dark. Then the globe vanishes and the primitive beings become scared. They look up and see a large gray covering. Water starts to fall on them.

The beings grow more and more scared and they huddle together. As the water falls faster and harder, they see great flashes of light and hear deafening roars of unknown sounds, and they become petrified. They shelter together helplessly, with no idea of what is happening or what they should do.

Eventually, the water stops falling, the flashes of light and the sounds disappear, and the gray covering vanishes. The bright globe reappears. The primitive beings still don't understand, but they feel more comfortable. They leave their shelter and walk around, exploring what they can see and, once again, enjoying what they find.

Hours later, they notice that the light is becoming fainter and fainter. As the shadows lengthen, the beings become more and more apprehensive. The sounds and smells of the day vanish, to be replaced by ominous shadows and unfamiliar noises. Once again, they huddle in fear. The light and comfort they enjoyed so much has vanished. They begin to feel cold, and they don't know why.

As the long hours of darkness wear on, the primitive beings sit in fear, not knowing what is happening or what to expect. One by one, each being notices a sense of fatigue steal over him, and he feels his consciousness start to leave. He fights it as long as he can, but eventually, the fatigue becomes too much. Scared and helpless, amid mounting anxiety, he loses his consciousness, fighting to the last.

We, of course, recognize what has happened. The primitive beings woke up, watched a sunrise, experienced a thundershower, lived through the day, watched the sun set, and, growing tired, fell asleep.

We know this because, to us, these are normal parts of life: the sun rising and setting, our sleeping and waking, and even thunderstorms. Because we can remember and understand, falling asleep holds no particular fear for us.

If we could talk to these primitive beings, we would say, "Don't be afraid. You don't understand everything that is happening around you, but if you could, you would not be afraid. It's part of a large system and it is okay — a part of nature."

But what about our own lives and our limitations? What do we really know about birth and death?

From our own experience, we know nothing about what happens before we are born or what happens after we die. To us, these facets of existence are locked away and inaccessible. We know as little about these experiences as the primitive beings in our story knew about light and darkness, or wakefulness and sleep, or thunderstorms and sunlight.

Throughout our lives we see inexplicable things happen to the people around us — they are born, they flourish and they die. Like the primitive beings, we don't understand these things, and we can't really explain why they happen.

What we can't understand scares us, and this fear makes us unhappy. To cope with the fear, we create myths, legends and belief systems, which we incorporate into our religions and into our culture.

When we are honest with ourselves, we can see that it is difficult, perhaps even impossible, for human beings — just like the primitive beings in our story — to step back and see the large, complete picture.

But what if we could? What if we were able to understand the patterns and forces that comprise the grand system into which we were born?

I wonder what we would see.

After reading the article i wish i was one of those primitive human beings who have no memory of the previous day or previous life. For there will not be any pain and suffering because of the previous life. it will be an adventure everyday.. learning about nature eberyday.. experiencing rain, sun, water, thirst etc every day.

Good people, Bad people

I seriously feel disgusted now, People acting so disrespectfully to there own self-esteem for there own needs, there own wants and there own demands. plain mean people, to fulfill there need they can leave some one...accept some one or probably accept many just to get what they want one way or the other. These people have no self respect at all. or should i say they USE people to satisfy there demands and needs. Using all the options they have or they can have. They do not want to let go anyone from there life... so they continue with many and trying to get what they want... and what wil happen in future... i think anyone will guess that.. the moment they get what they were looking for, they will abandon those who couldn't fulfil there desire and accept the one who fulfill them. Playing with many hearts at the same time. I dont know about others but i have been a complete fool, for may be i am too stupid as a human that i close my eyes towards all sort of evil and think that they will not harm me.

Probably i have come across with many types of human in life and i must admit this species is the one whome i never want to be in contact with ever, through out my life but my fate they were part of my life, and from here on i would use the word "Once". Yes once they were part of my life. How will it feel when one comes to know that he is nothing more than an "other" Option in her life and if he doesn't give what the bitch want, he will be discarded the very same moment from her life. and to make the matter worse the HE loves the Fuckin SHE so very much. i seriously pitty that she.. for she may think she have found a piece of gold for what she was looking for but unknowingly she lost a Diamond.

But then this is life my friend, people use others for there desires..and the worst of the feeling is knowing that you were used

I am sill continuing my life on one principle :-

in end
Gud people meet Gud people
and mean people meet mean people.

Or should i say...

Gud people only meets mean people...

Hazaaron Khwahishain 'eisee

Though i don like listening to ghazal but then today i would like to count as an exception. But there is something about this ghazal that attracts me towards it.. towards the wordings(lyrics).. but though i do not understand some of its words still i like listening to it... here;s the lyrics that i wrote while listening to it..

hazaaron khwahishain 'eisee ke har khwahish pe dam nikle
bohot nikle mere armaan lekin fir bhee kam nikle

The best line

nikalna khuld se aadam ka sunte aayain hain lekin
bohot be aabru hokar tere kooche se ham nikle

mohabbat mein naheen hai farq jeene aur marne kaa
usee ko dekh kar jeete hain jis kaafir pe dam nikle

Truly said

khuda ke waaste parda na kaabe se uthaa zaalim
kaheen 'eisa na ho yaan bhee wohee kaafir sanam nikle

kahaan maikhaane ka darwaaza 'ghalib' aur kahaan waaiz
par itana jaante hain kal wo jaata tha ke ham nikle

is "Need" a "suffering" ??

Nows a time for some serious talks.. i was just having a discussion and then suddenly we came to a stand still for one question. can once NEED ever be a SUFFERING. lets just think about one situation where you need something and you cannot love without. and now to add a nice twist to the story what if that need itself gives you lots of suffering ? so you are stuck in a position where if do not fulfill ur need you Suffer.. ur heart suffer.. ur bain suffer.. and if accept it then again its the same story..

so can we say we are wanting to suffer cause we have choosen a need through which we only can suffer one way or the other ?? how funny is it.. aint it ? needing something that will make us suffer. well from here on

so now if someone;s in this position what is he/she suppose to do ? when both the ways leads to only one ending, only suffering, pain....

Ahh wat the heck.. cant there be one day day dat i get wat i want... may be not..

Silence that cuts like a knife...Words that wound like a sword...

Melancholy

I was going through thesaurous and suddenly my eyes got sticked to a word :melancholy: i tried to look away from it and the more i wanted to look somewhere the more i find myself concentrating on the particular word. and then finally i clicked on the word to find out wat it actully means..

A slow steady and deliberate step towards depression

Now i wonder why my eyes couldnt let go the word. Do eyes have there own controling system that even brain can't take over ? i certainly feel Yes there is something that even brain can t control.

Eye;s found a word which suits my state of mind... Strange...

Clippings from a novel - Kane and Able.

'Don't die,' he said quietly. 'Please don't die, Matthew. Have you forgotten that you and I are going to run the biggest bank in America?

One of the lines from the novel Kane and Able that hits me hard. Loosing a friend can be very Painful. Though i knw that its just a novel and nothing of that sort ever happen but then when something of this sort had happened to u, you just cant stop your eyes gettig wet.

Still Miss you Bro. Hope to see you in next life and will finish all those unfinished business. Lots of love to you.

Blood and destruction shall be so in use and dreadful objects so familiar that mothers shall but smile when they behold their infants quarter'd with the hands of war."

William kissed Kate gently when he climbed into bed that night. 'Best five hundred pounds I ever invested,' he said.

Now thats wat i call investment. The best inestment that one could ever make in one's like.

some things are more important than pride?

another nice one ;)

We've been married for twenty-eight years and by now I think I'm aware of all your habits. You're still as lovely as the day I met you, my darling, but I do believe that at fifty-four you're unlikely to have a lover. So it wasn't all that hard for me to work out that you had been visiting Richard(there son).'

superbly written. hats of the the writter,,

When Richard came into the room, Florentyna was by his side. She looked quite radiant.
'Father,' he said. 'I would like you to meet my wife.' William Lowell Kane would have turned to greet them but he could not. He was dead.

He cudnt even say hi to his son and his daughter in law and died. .. he dosnt deserve that.. every one is destined to die but with cleared heart. there sould be nothing in his heart. but he wanted to say hi to his grand childrens and to his only son but he couldn't. Not a death that anyone deserve.

The beneficiary was his grandson, William Abel Kane.

Any one who wants to read any novel.. i beg you please please please take some time out and Kane and Abel. its a story of 2 stuburn stupid man who hate each other as well as love each other. the stuburness takes place between the two and no one takes the first step; and when they want to take the step both of them were dead. and both do not deserve a death like that.. they were tend to meet each other atleast for one time in there life. but then life isnt fair ;)

Life a cigarette ???

Lets try something different today... ummmm well something different like.. being down by half a bottle of sminroff and then try to pen down something here.. not a bad idea at all.. right now am actully half a bottle down and quite high.. nothing feels like choking now.. and i wish i can remain high all the time ... the only problem is that hangover.. sigh.. i actully kinda don like this fucking hangover thing.. anyways.. every good thing has a side effect.. be it alchohol.. or be it something something....

anyway.. lets come back to the topic. in morning i was talking to a friend of mine and suddenly this thing strike my mind.. like a spike inside my heart... and i thought is a life is like a burning cigarette ???? and then i started comparing life with a cigarette.

Life is Lived by we Humans... and cigarette is smoked by again a human... this time i would call it a smoker. In both the cases time actully passes by just like a burning cigrette.. when it reaches its end.. no one knews .. neither the cigarette itself and nor the smoker ..all what is left behind are the ashes..

well lets try writing about the same topic withut getting DRUNK..

The one who cant live without you are the First to leave you

Well How true does this statement hold " Those who cant live without you are the first one to leave you" this statement keeps on striking my mind all the time. Many a times or should i say most of the times you are stabbed by those people who love you the most, who at times can not live without you and who used to swear on life n death for you. Was that all true or was just pretensions ?? Pretending to love you ... pretending that want you in there life. and if those were true once the what about now ?? when there is a new love in there life ? with whom they again swear for love. they wanna live and die for them.

At once, some one else used to be everything in there life for whom they used to leave everything aside... be it there friends.. relative.. parents.. ignoring everything just for that someone.. and now again they are putting everything aside, again the ignoring thing continue but now there;s a lil twist, this time under those people who have been put aside is the one for whom once they used to put others aside, for whom they used to leave whatever they used to do....

So should i say everything is fair in love and war for those who keep on loving different people one after another ? yesterday it was someone else.. today its someone else and tomorrow may be there's gonna be some one else.. or .... sigh...

For the first statement i would say one thing.. its very easy for others to forget someone and carry on with there life i wish i could capture those qualities and put them in me.

on a last note.. i would like to mention Volcano... one of the best inspiration.. umm for me..

Till the time volcano is calm and silent everything remains ok.. but when it get agitated and angry.. it blast.. and nothing can hold that blast inside be it a mountain... walls.... anything.. nothing can contain or stop the erupting volcano. it melts everything that comes in its way..and the best quality of it.. not even with time it cools down. when it has to erupt it will, nothing can stop it or calm it.. and yes that include time as well. the only thing that i dont like about volcanoes is that it destroy even those things which are not ment to be. but then..

People says time will make you forget everything and everything will be normal. but i would say i am like a volcano and i am taking all the hit on me till the time i am calm but the day i will explode i'll vaporize everything that comes in my way. be it the one who loved me once or be it those who try to stop me. I am a self exploding bomb.. dont play with me. the day i die i'll take each one of those with me... and who all are those.. thats a lil secret and let it be with me.

Life is a big time bitch.. don ya agree on this with me ??

Phases of love life.

Shit.. it has been more than 10 days and i havnt scribbled anything here.. so here i go breaking the silence, adding some fresh blood to this blog. so here i go.. for long i have been thinking about the so called stages of love life.. how a relationship starts.. what feeling we have and then time passes we mature feelings ummm i wouldnt say changes.. but they also sort of get matured. or is that we are getting used to it ?? may be may be not. its still a enigma.. neways.. lets try to put out some overview to it.. its about a blind date...

Stage 1 : - when two strangers meet

Hey the best stage huh ;) aheem aheem... god knows there are millions of cheeky feelings inside one..about The First meeting. How will s/He react after meeting me.. will i be able to impress her/him bla bla bla... starting from what to wear.. which perfume to use.. how to act.. standingin front of mirror and mimicking to behave in the best and decent manner.. Gosh.. the moment of restless takes over.. taking out all the best of the best dresses and changing them one by one just to see which one will look good. Probably the only day for a human like me to plan everything.. i know i knw.. you dont have to look at me like that.. i realy was up on time and was ready on time and ya ya .. to give u a surprise i was even on time where i was suppose to meet.. ok thats enuuf about me in the blog. but even in general i have seen people planning themself. Then you have those butterflies flying in ur stomach which are not that active but they are there... u don feel like eating.. u feel restless.. and millions of those ineffable feelings Gosh!!! aren't they great... .so that was about the time you get ready to meet the stranger.

Now when you are just 15 min away from the meeting. hey can i say the heart reaches its limit for his blood pumping business.. ? aheem aheem... it is.. it actully is. and then you fogets everything you practiced in the morning.. and every min looking at how you are looking.. are you looking ok.. checking u r not stinking.. even a minute looks like an hour... Gosh .. tremendous..

and now the moment we have been waiting for.. The first Glimpse of the person.. Shittttt.. what an excited moment that is... naa..labeling it with the word excitement makes it look small.. its something way beyond excitement. a feeling untold, indescribable. Then they first had a hand shake.. and the first words comes out with feeling of excitement mixed with frightened, and then the two sit for a coffee.. i choose coffee for this occasion cause mostly the first date happen over a cup of coffee. sitting in a corner.. just the two of you.. shy'ing away from each other... trying to look into each others face.. and then smiling. try to act at ur best. trying to strike a conversation ... kewl man .. its a nice feeling... a feeling untold and the feeling that will never come again for the whole of ur life towards that person. The feeling that i personally wanted to capture so that i can cherish the moment for whole of my life.

And then the moment to say Bye to each other for the first time ever. which you wish would never come.. the time fly by and you feel sulk just by thinking that you gonna part away till next time you meet. ok i knw it sound sad but then aint the feelin sweet ??

OK that was for the stage one.. i can go on and on and on without stoping but i have to cover other phases too.. lol. so i;ll but a full stop to this phase here.. lemme move onto the next phase.

A song for this phase ;) Lifehouse - You and Me - I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

Phase -2 :- You fall for each other

The Greatest moment in one;s life. Two hearts beating for each other. always thinking about each other. Getting restless just to talk to each other.

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GOSH i am tanned man.. i just looked at my forehand and its so badly tanned.. ok ok .. am getting back to the topic now.. i love getting off topic in between.
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Now that the two are restless and drowned deep into the thoughts of each other, they will miss N number of meals.. and god knows how many stupid things they would do and then there mom will scold them for beeing so irresponsible. anyways now there is not the same feeling which one had at the time they were meeting for the first time. but the feelings ummmm lemme say get matured.. you are restless but not the same way.. this time you just wanted to be with him/her. and when are with your perfect partner, his/her company tends to overshadow every other possible other things. There are less talks that takes place and more of looking onto each other;s eyes. Waiting for weekends to arrive so that the two can meet and spend some time together.The time passes by.. days into weeks.. weeks into months.. months into years..

You want to talk to each other all the time. first you talk to each other through chat... though phones all day.. all night.. and then one fine day the phone bills arrives and you just had a haeart attack after reading it. lol.. but like someone says everything is fair, in love and war. you start using your dad's phone so that he pays all the bill and not you :P save money so that you can spend with her on the weekends. you try to figure out various ways of beeing on constant touch with each other in a

A song for this phase ;) Gareth Gates - Listen To My Heart - Listen to my heart beat for you...

Monday Blue's

Well its been nearly a week that i scribbled here in my blog... umm well i was kinda busy with my life.... and parting harder and harder.. lol.. friday i was there in my office party.. had loads of fun.. played couple of games of bowling and a game of carting.. with loads of vodka and chicken.. lol.. souds good right.. but na wasnt that gud..

to start with .. friday started on a lazy note.. got late in the morning for my office.. reached there and the very same moment i got busy with meetings and work... at around 4:30 we all got together in the premises left for 32nd milestone.. 32nd milestone used to be a hep and happening place but years back and now it suck big time.. neither were the games that we played were any good nor the food...so apart from vodka nothing was gud... lol..

time to sleep wil complete tomorrow morning..

have i changed ?

umm i seriously think i have changed.. my thoughts.. my attitude.. my thinking process... my nature... its all changed.. mum noticed that and she is pointing me in every way that she can so that i can notice.. ummm getting angry is a normal trait for me now..... not efficient in anything.. lazy... thinking all the time abt something.. whats happening to me..

umm time for some change.. i am smart.. handsome.. how will i look with a dull face.. na.. i dont think so that gud.. and then gals will not want to be with me :P so time for a change.. ummmm what can those do at the most who do not matters.... take the materialistic stuff from me.. hey i can buy again ... something which is mine will always be mine.. no one can take that.. lately i have been dominated by external people ... they doinated my thought process .. my behaviour with others.. and stuff..

so a piece of advice for them.

   ________   __    __    _______   __    __
|        | |  |  |  |  /       | |  |  /  /
|  ------' |  |  |  |  |   ____| |  | /  /
|  |___    |  |  |  |  |  |      |  |/  /
|   ___|   |  |  |  |  |  |      |     /
|  |       |  |  |  |  |  |____  |     \
|  |       |   --   |  |       | |  |\  \
|__|       \________/   \______| |__| \__\

         ____     ____  _________   ___     ___
         \   \   /   / /         \ |   |   |   |
          \   \ /   /  |  _____  | |   |   |   |
           \       /   | |     | | |   |   |   |
            \     /    | |     | | |   |   |   |
             |   |     | |     | | |   |   |   |
             |   |     | |_____| | |   |___|   |
             |   |     |         | |           |
             |___|     \_________/ \___________/


                         _____
                        ||   ||
                        |\___/|
                        |     |
                        |     |
                        |     |
                        |     |
                        |     |
                        |     |
                   _____|<--->|_____
                  /     |     |     \
             /    |     |     |     | \
             |    |     |     |     |  |
             |    |     |     |     |  |
             |                      |  |
             |                      |  |
             |                        /
             |                       /
             \                     /
               \                   /
                |                 |
                |                 |


aint you feel good when you are driving your own life the way you want to ?? huh. 
ya man it feels goood... time for me to rectify many things that i did what am i 
not suppose to do..

will take time to rectify everything.. i have had enuff living under the shadow 
of pain..

lemme do some things right.. that i can.. Be right back..

cheers

'==================================================================='
||                            ___                                  ||
||                          .'   '.                                ||
||                         /       \           oOoOo               ||
||                        |         |       ,==|||||               ||
||                         \       /       _|| |||||               ||
||                          '.___.'    _.-'^|| |||||               ||
||                        __/_______.-'     '==HHHHH               ||
||                   _.-'` /                   """""               ||
||                .-'     /   oOoOo                                ||
||                `-._   / ,==|||||                                ||
||                    '-/._|| |||||                                ||
||                     /  ^|| |||||                                ||
||                    /    '==HHHHH                                ||
||                   /________"""""                                ||
||                   `\       `\                                   ||
||                     \        `\   /                             ||
||                      \         `\/                              ||
||                      /                                          ||
||                     /                                           ||
||                    /_____                                       ||
||                                                                 ||
'==================================================================='

how much should one suffer

on a first thought i was thinking that pain and sufferng was a way to make a human remember that he is still a human.. and good times and bad times are part of it.. but well wait.. on a second thought.. there are majorty of 2 humans.. who are never in pain and who are always in pain.. but there are i think 5-8% who are like normal.. pain and hapy times are equal..

unfortunatly i am under those group who are constantly suffering... for whome right from where day start, right from the moment i open my eye lids... its a start for new suffering.. new pain.. new problems.. new tensions.. fuck.... if its physical i can bear it... probably i am not a soft guy from outside.. umm pretty tough.. can take anything,,,, can go to any limit.. why cant it be like that God choose a period of time.. and give me as much physical pain he wanna give.. anything... but i am fed up of these mental pain... these mind games.. these bloody screw ups.. Gosh .. am just fed up.. saturated to the utmost level...

and then there are those people who have no tension.. god don even bother abt giving them ne pain.... they have wat they always want, they always get what they want..

cant he just pity on me for once. ??? hey God if u think we are also a part of u .. then notice me.. why are we here.. just to be an example for others...

i am fed up of this brain.... i wanna be a dumb guy... with no brain.. retarded yaah retarded.. atleast they dont have to think abt anything... they don have to understand anything.. infact they dont need anything in life... just some cloths and food to eat... they dont want car.. dont want jewellry, dont want laptops.... ipods.... tv... ac;s ... all they want are basic // food air water and shelter.. thats it... they dont think about wat to buy next. they dont have to take care of there car.. tensions of getting the car repaired... wearing super fine cloths.. or branded cloths.. levis, alen solly, van husan.. designer stuff.. ritu beri.. versache.. nothing.. just a plain and simple suit from the cheapest store will do for them..

so whos better we guys... who are cribing for anything and everything... inspite of having a fuckin air condited car to move in ... wearing the best of the cloths.. costliest of the shoes.. with money in the wallet jewelery on body... and still cribbing... and on another hand.. those whome we cal retarded.. wearing simple cloths.. no need for luxury when ever we meet them.. they are hapy like they got someting out of this word.. something that no one has...

bloody we are retarded..from our mind...from our thoughts...we are bloody squinted brains.. when some one gets something.. we crib about that think not being with us... and when some one suffer we feel srong... happy comparing ourself to other all the time..

and on very next hand.. these retarded... they are the one who truly enjoy your happiness... they wil never compare themself with us... never.. and they willbe more than happy infact more happy then us.. like its there own achievement.. for what ever we may have brought or achived..

any one who doesnt angry with me huh.... probabl lemme tell you i have known a person from my birth who has lost her mental balance and i have lived my life with her ... and wat i wrote is what i have been seeing.. these people never pretend.. if they are sad atleast they behave in the same manner if they are happy.. then no one is happier than them in this world...

there are many weird thought commin but i should hold down in here. those who are readin i am not pointing towrds anyone its just a feelin that i cant tell anyone...but i can write and i am extremly sorry incase i had hurt some one's feeling some one heart.. plz its a thought process that my brain goes which i cant control...the best of the organ is the worst of it for me - The Brain... see this fuckin brain even controls my eyes now..

Ooops!! sorry for being away.

well i am really very sorry for being away ummmmm well i kinda enjoyed rain and the cool weather.. and yaa loved sleeping.. friday night i tool 3 sleeping pills.. fuck i knw m insane but tel u wat.. they even didnt worked much.. first it took me 3 hours to feel asleep and then i dint had a sound sleep.. i dunno i was pretty stressed even after waking up in the morning.. had some important appointments with the clients.. sigh.. on sat too i was working but it was a pleasure driving all the way with cool breeze blowing.. and some nice ahem ahem romantic songs.. well i seriously wanted to listen to gazals but i guess i misplaced the CD in the car.. anyways.. i had a cd of love songs..so i thought its better to listen to them rather than listening to the bak bak of radio channels.. anyway they were not playing nice music.. whole day i was there in gurgaon only.. ummm for a change watched a movie there.. tried to forget all the sorrow and cheer myself up anyways i cant go back home with a sulken face.. i just don want to give my mom n dad extra tensions about me..

the movie was Gud.. got the last row corner seat.. but wat the fuckin use i was watchin it all alone got the ticket just 5 min before the movie starts.. ohh the movie in the scene is Fantastic four and the silver surfer.. gotta admit its a fantastic movie.. in these 2 hours there is not even a sngle min that you feel the movie is slow or getting boring.. any ways the movie has my fav actress jessica alaba... and tell you wat it was worth watchin the movie...then went back to place.. a frnd of mine was here in delhi . he picked me up from ma place and then we just roam around.. over all a day which went by just like that... and the best part... i slept without sleeping pills that night... and slept for 12 hours straight.. felt fresh once i was awake.. had nice brunch... ahh then study ....

i was infact tryin not be alone i mean u know the more the lonliness the more sorrw wil folow.. sigh... am i getting infected again.. m not at al feeling sleepy... wanted to watch movie.. but i guess this is not the right time.... and i just dont want to take the pills again... its like.. man .... cant just tell you .. my brain is all active... all hyper if i may say so..

well mom yellin gotta rush to bed cya

Finally it rained..

Thank God........ finally after crouching heat it finally rained and am sort of cheered up..i always loved driving when its raining and in afternoon too i went out for a small drive under the rain and by joe i loved every moment of it.. thought i missed a company of my special some one but nevertheless it was a nice experience..

time to leave catch ya in night

Phew !!! back to work.

Shit what a hangover from last night.. my head still paining man.. ummm took 2 sleeping pills but i think this hangover is cause even after taking 2 pills i cudnt sleep... man my head still ache'g like anything.. eyes paining and heart feeling a bit heavy.. umm i was going what i wrote last night when i was under the influence of the drug and i am ashamed of my self.. uhhh why ?? not cause i wrote all that i was thinking but c'mon man how could i forget my "jerry". now to compensate this whole blog is dedicated to him. i know he will never be able to understand what we humans tend to write but he surly knows how much i love him. DDOGGY DUDE.. u rock.. i dunno what i have been if you wudnt have been around me when i am alone.

well to write about him is the simplest thing... no matter what i am.. how i am.. bad.. ugly.. egoistic.. angry bla bla bla.. but for his love towards me is totally unbaised. if i get angry on him.. still he will not leave me, he wont even tell me never to speek to him again.. or ask me choose between my ego and him like others who are related to my life.. i get angry on him.. he leaves me for couple of min and then come back and lick my ankle till the time i don pamper him.. he will keep on licking my ankle. not like others who say they cant live without me but are ready to leave me for any of the mistakes i make.. not talking to me for days.. weeks.. years... Mr. Jerry never leaves me alone even after getting a kick from me.. and only i know how terribly sorry i am for beating you when i am angry.. he doesnt want anything from me.. all we gave him is food and water and nothing else.. and he never demands anything... i only wish the poor guy could speek. ok i should stop writing for some time.. other wise my tears will roll down which i dont want.. but jerry i know onething.. every one can leave me in mid of life but you cant..

love you dude..

Life too long to live...

well sometime(ahem ahem right now this is wat i mean) i feel i am tired of everthing my life.. myself... my presnt i am just tired and i wanna sleep , i had enuff of this... life is ment to enjoy(this is what all says) but i just cant remember when was the last time i trully enjoyed life.. may be the moment i step in my professional life i surrendered my living for money... i didnt joined college cause i wanted to work and why i wanted to work thats a bit personal to discuss here... but i missed out all the college fun... frnds... canteen... lol as college dude talk abt there canteen all the time... i kinda feel jealous but give a chance i would love to experience the college life for once in my life time .... it seems a bit impossible ... anyways what is not ment for me is not ment for me.. i burnt all my life trying to earn a living though i still do not feel bad about it... but may be apart from some money that i earned i have nothing ummmm no friends.... no cousins... no elders(nana nani.. dada dadi ) all i have got is a small family my mom who means a world to me .. my dad ummm my best friend with whome i can share anything ... and a brother... not so sweet :P but ok i love him trully from every corner of my heart... thats it .... and i have a kameena dost gaurav... humm man how can i forget you.. mere daru ka sathi ....

thats it.. these are the only people whome i can think of when i say i have friends and family.. its just that these 5 people i love them khurana BC... sunnle.. i love u too thanks for beeing there brother.. but except that i have encountered betrayal in almost all walks of life... you cousins... ummmm its been ages we talked...

right now may be i am a bit low.. but none to share with.. probably one more thing i just want to write its FUKING difficult to laugh when you wanna cry... smille when you wanna weep and cheer up when u wanna lay down all alone.. its actully difficult.. i dont know how long i can carry this.... but the day i fall will be the day o broke.. i am not scared of falling down but i am scared that there gonna be no one to hold me when am gonna take my last breath... all the times my fear come true.. i have been left alone in life....... i have been ditched by others... i have even been shown low by my own... whome i still respect a lot.. duhhhhhhhhhhh wake up man... wats past is past... but ya c'mon i wanna cry man....but i still wont cry... i knw i am having a very heavy heart.. but i just cant man...

hey i forget to add one name. hey tarang lol... i consider you as a nice human .. i dont know how long we gonna be friends but lemme tell u... you mean a world to me.. i never had a sis.. ok i do but no strings attached... so when i first met you i was floured by ur stupid looks.. :P and ur giggling... but seriously i hope we are pals for ever.. u are a sweety pie... whome i have lots of respect

Man i am a looner.. and one last thing before i log out.. i hate one bitch ... its been 2 years now that i wait to meet you and tell u wat.. u gonna suffer if and when we meet... what ever i am .. is all cause of you bitch .. its easy said that life moves on but is it ???

now i feel a bit relaxed... thanks for listening to me my sweet blog.. aleast you will be always there (ahem ahem till the time server do not crash) to listen to me.. where i can write anything i want...

Life still too long to live...

What an outstanding Student i was...

well i was just sitting idle and refreshing my god ol days and suddenly this word stuck my "Waiting" and then the very next memory which relate to this word was waiting to attend my class.. waiting to sit on desk again..

Ok her goes its about when i was in school. i was not the studious one and defiantly one of the mischievous one in the class. i got my report card for the first term examination.. ohh i was in 8th at that time. but as always i failed in most of the exam. i was scared of my mom and thus never used to show her my examination papers, until and unless she checks my bag and find them herself. this time was no exception.. i didnt showed my papers at my home so there was no question of taking my report card to my mom asking her to sign.. that clearly means asking for super duper trouble. so teacher gave me some grace period you know some more time to get the report card signed ... it got delayed everyday cause i will never tell my mom about the grade card and teacher will want the signature. i wonder why the heck teachers want the signature of parents on report card. so after a week of delay she was done.. she asked me to stand outside the class till the time i do not get the report card signed.. i though may be just for er period and anyway who cares for maths as she was my maths teacher and my class teacher too.. so the first day i was standing outside the very first period. after the priod ended she left giving me a very terrible glare. once she was out of sight i immediately went inside the class and have my seat.. Phew.. was a relief after standing for around 1 hour .. in the mean time the next teacher came in and we started studying.. 2nd period passed by without any nuscance but to my bad luck my class teacher was passing by the class and she noticed that i am not standing outside and am inside so she immediately came inside scolded me for coming inside and asked me to stand outside and this time she made it clear that i am suppose to stand outside whole of the day till the time i get my grade card signed.. i mean c'mon she didn't even pity the poor soul in me man.. how cruel..me poor guy standing outside the class sheesh!! and then she informed my other teacher that she is not suppose to grant me the admission till the time i get my grade card signed. thats it.. after that the information was passed to each and every teacher not to let me in. the day passed by and when i came back i was totally exhausted like my legs were not there and then i slept ummm i wake up and went to play games had my tutions.. then the next day arrived and i was like shit man another OUTSTANDING DAY for me. ohh i mean Out-Standing day. i left my home like everyday happy and then in the midway i was like shit man not again please i was praying that my teacher took a leave today but ... am i suppose to be lucky ever... naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!! the teacher was there well on time and the moment she saw me she demaned the grade card and i was like sorry man i forgot... offcourse i didnt forget .. how can i forget after standing outside the class the whole day. and she was like fine please stand up and take you place where you were yesterday. so like that i was standing outside my class for complete 7 days.. 7 days i used to enter the school keep my bag on my desk and come out whithout her even saying anything. finally she asked me to call my dad cause she got sure that i will not get straighten up this way. and to my relief she asked me to call my dad to school ..

hey did i tell you that my dad is more that a friend to me than dad. i can share any piece of information with my dad but not my mom.. c'mon i am still very scared of her .. so i told my dad that my teacher wants to see him and dad was like .. now what have you done and the i told him the complete story .... My 7 Outstanding days.. lol and he was like ok i'll visit your school today. I was more that relieved that finally today my dad will come to school and then i;ll be allowed to sit inside the class. Ohh By the way teacher thought the kids fear there dad more than mom;s but lucky me it was vice versa in my case. My dad had never ever even slapped me for anything what so ever i may have done but he has never ever even shouted on me for anything. dad i love you for this. so where were we.. yaa the morning when finally i would enter the class not to go out and stand. i entered the class and the first thing my teacher asked was will your dad will be comming to the school ?? and i was like yaa mam he will definatly as i was very sure that he will. but my teacher didn't buy that from me. and she told me that ok that nice so once she will meet my father then only i;ll be given permission to sit inside the class. she was in a whim that today again i am lying to her and she was sure that dad wont come.. today happily i went out side the class and took my stand and waited for my dad. probably that was the longest wait for me in my life, those 2 hours.. ohh actully my dad got late and i had to stand outside for aounr 2 hours. i know how i passed those 2 hours man ... so finally the first period got over and teacher came out and she passed a comment to me ummm i cant remember what exactly she said but something like you dad was suppose to come so will he be comming today only na ??? she laffed at me and left.. the next teacher came and again she saw me standing and she said ok so today also you are standing outside.. by the time the class got over i saw my dad and tell you wat i was more than relived, i was happy man finally i;ll sit after 7 days and 2 hour of standing. dad came met my teacher and then i was finally allowed to sit inside the class.

tell you wat it felt so comfortable sitting on wooden desk nothing was more confortable than that and finally my ass got to sit on the desk inside the class. when the next period started and my teacher came she asked me why are you inside please stand outside and i was very prompt in replying to her that now i can sit inside the class. i have never been so prompt in replying to any of the question she wud ask me ever.. but this time i was very promt. same ways all the teacher asked me about me not standing outside and i replyed them some of them were happy to see a poor little guy finally sitting inside the room under the fans.. and not standing outside the room in hot condition but some were like nothing happend.

So those were the 7 Out-Standing day in my life. standing outside the class for 8 hours non stop ... errr ok ok i used to come inside in the time between a teacher leaving the room and teacher comming inside the room. Phew those were the days i miss...

To forget someone you need to have some one.

OK few months back some one told me that to forget some one you need to have some one in your life... and this line has hit me hard... infact very hard... does this phrase hold any truth ?? can you forget some one or to forget some one does you need some one else.. dont you think it sound a bit ahem ahem a bit slutish ??? i mean today you are with some one and next day you are with some one else just to forget that some one ?? and then again to forget the next one you want some one else ??? this way one will stuck in a never ending chain.

and even if you go this way can you forget that very special some one whome you loved so much that at one time you cannot even breath without chanting his/her name ?? and then comes the friends... they will tell you ha.. the guy/gal wasnt worth your love.. and they put the last nail in the coffin.. the coffin of love ... even if there might be slightest of hope that they might patch up again but thats all burried after that... they will find matches for you .. try to hook you to others.. c'mon guys what are we ??

anyways.. if you can forget some one after someone else came to your life then ummmm u never loved that someone ever...

on a second thought.. if she can forget me and lead a happy life i would be more than happy atleast some can move on with life.. without beeing haunted by the memories.. SIGH..

what a way to start my day... :)

My new possesion

ok .. here i am back again..i think only an hour back i posted one and now i am writing one again.. well i just cant help its like drafting my life till now.. ok.. lets come back to topic my new possesion... GUYS I FINALLY GOT A TATTOO ...yyiippeeee .... i always wanted to have one ... but i was small and moreover tattoo cost a lot and mom dad never aproved for a tattoo. but now fianlly i got one.

i would like to thank a person for her encouragement .. well she;s here in this blooging world and i stumble across her blog searching for tattoo design.. ok she never have ever even uttered a single word to me neither she knows that i came to her blog ever.. but i owe this to her.. i wanted to get one done but you know needle piercing my skin sounds not so good and exciting... but then if she can have.. so can i .. and very next weekend i went to funkie monkey and got one done on my neck.. yaa the most painfull of the places.. and after four days it still burns a bit. but tell you what there is nothing like people admiring the tattoo... and i am totally loving it.

Lemme share my design with you ... its a dragonfly.. with open wings.. ummm in black..
i know its a bit hazzyy but after its heeled it will be crisp and clear... for now the skin is peeling and i have to apply the vaseline every couple of hours to keep my skin away from itching.. and tell you what it itch a lot man... i have make sure that my shirt doesnt rub againt the skin... it gives a sheer burning sensation.

here lemme add the picure where i exactly got it done.. but any one who is getting incouraged to get one done please let me tell you that on neck its gonna hurt a lot.. the skin there is very delicate and you have to take special care of the neck... otherwise ...sigh... get ready for sleepless nights..

yaa now you can see where exactly i got it done.. ohh please excuse me for my dark neck .. its not tanned at all its just that after tattoo its a bit swollen and not that my neck is tanned :P but flaunting you tattoo ... damm it feel so gooooooood man ... lol... i know people are getting jealus of my tattoo.

ok so here goes.. i went to funkie monkey on saturday..... all alone nothing to do... i already freezed on the design so all what was left was getting it on my skin... reached there at around 2 in the afternoon went to the guy booked an apointment with him so finally we setteled for 4 PM.... til then i was roaming around here and there but most of the time i was in my car listening to music having coke...resting my mind... couple of hours went by like that... well i can actully sit alone for hours all alone.... and these 2 hours were piece of cake for me.... when clock struck 4 i went upstairs to the shop.. but then i was told that its gonna take another 45 min for my turn to come so again i was left with no choice but to sleep in car.. i was actully short of funds alredy so didnt thought of havng anything to eat anyways in DT its fuking costly.. my turn finaly came around ummm around 7.. when i went inside the room .... he made a stencil of the design and printed on my neck...and then i laid back on the chair.. and finally the needle went inside peircing my skin for the first time... though in the starting the pain was bearable but after some time it was not... anyhow i was not in my best of the moods and was sort of pissed off so the pain didnt bothered me much ..... after some 1 and a half hour of pain and needle piercing my skin filing color it was done... he finally did the packin of the tattoo and before packing it he cleaned the tatto..

about the pain... tell u guys neck is the place where the skin is pretty sensitive and it pain like fuckin hell and tel you wat after 4 days it still pains... not pain hummmm it burns and it burns a lot.. i thought its not gonna burn that much cause i already had a very small tattoo on my arm... at that time it didnt hurt that much so i thought its not gonna be that painful but .... BUT it was painfull and then i had 2 sleepless night after it... but now the skin has started heeling and peeling too....

ummm i hope i havnt forgot anything about it.... yaa one thing.. after effect of tattoo i mean when i entered home and my mom saw it.. it wassss ummmmmmmm i can find any word to describe it but yaa tell you wat i was about to be disowned by my mom... hehehe.... but luckily she calmed down a bit and i was finally given some food.. (that day was my mom n dad's 25th aniv. and all the plans got ruined... bad man.. i cudnt do anything for my mom n dad 25th aniv.. but i havnt forgot anyting.. its just time... let my time come..wat i have planned for them i will execute..) and finally i slept ohhh i meant to say i tried to sleep but whole night i was just trying too ...... ummmm then i had chat with one my frnd....the one with whome i got into some trouble... but tell you wat... things got worst after that.... neways..... time to put my brain to rest if it can... its upto my brain now.. :P

Why i choose to blog.

Well now the next question comes to my mind is why is there a need to blog. ummmmm i thought about it a lot many times and only possible answer i can come across is that this will be the only place where i can rant about anything. about myself, my life, things that i hate, people that i love bla bla bla bla.. i am a person who cannot express myself to any one.... my emotions , my wants, my needs... i just cant express.. i fear expressing myself might hurt others... and more over i dont want to impose myself on others..

for an example.. my mom n dad just had there 25th anniversary last weekend on sat. and a friend of mine was here so till friday i had only one plan to celebrate there anniversary. and at the same time because i was busy a friend of mine made a program with her friends to catch up a movie. suddenly all my plans failed as friend had to leave for his home town due to some urgencies. I told my friend that all plans failed as he had to leave but still i told her that i;ll be busy because she had made her own plan for that day. now i don't want her to miss the movie...... i mean come on guys no one loves backing out last minute so i pretended that i wud b busy whole day... i do understand that she had her friends too apart from me and how can i influence her to not to meet her frds and be with me always..... but i dunno where it went wrong she took it in a wrong way and then told me that i don't need to find excuses not to meet her .... c'mon... its like she had already made her plans and ruining them just for me probably i don agree to that but anyways things got bad just because she thought that i didn't wanted to meet her.. ummmm to make it worse i was taken over by my ego :D i don't know when will i get rid of this ego thing... seriously man .. as i said before when ego takes on me i am altogether a different person.. and may be i am insecure in my life with every relationship. fear of hurting someone;s feeling and finally they abandoning me is what i have in me. i can always say no one matters to me to cool down my ego and to give it a sweet candy but they do matter a lot. some part of my mind keep thinking about all those people and my blunders that i did...ahhh loosing actully hurt a lot and probably for a guy like me who just cant forget things will hurt far more and for a longer period of life.. the memory will haunt for ever of for a very very long time. and like every one i have got a +ve human in me and a -ve human in me.. and i am dominated by that -ve part of me more often.

here i go again... nevertheless here i can scream, yell abuse anyone... and ya 1 last thing i'll not mind my own business here...

some time i wish i can forget everything in my life and can be a different person altogether. you know abandoning my current life and starting a new one with a different name .... different nature... different thougts ..... no memories at all possibly less tension of life... you know something like that .... ahhhh i can actully give a everything for that..... but... am stuck here for now and i have to continue this ......

ya ya ya ya.. i knw all of you will say from here on try to make your life beautiful forget things ur past you have got whole of ur life.. wat are u just twenty something... you can make your life a better one easily... but believe you me guys.. its not that easy specially even when you have some happy moments and you remember your past attached to those happy moments.. the next second they are not happy moments...

something i miss in my last post i dont like crying. and i was reading that you feel light when you cry but what will happen when u cant cry ?? will that burden you more.. well yes that do burden your life a lot.. things which are in heart, in your mind... they do...

ok lemme end this blog here.. i have got a lot to crib about in my life that i will be writing here.. probably after this i might feel light..

About Me

ok so to start with my new blog it has to be About me... what am i all about... who am i bla bla bla... so here it is.... while driving my way back to my place i was infact thinking about it ..... how to start my new blog i thought of writing something about today but then i thought its better if i can be systematic for once in my life time so i decided to start with describing something about me. I am a twenty something guy.. a dreamer and more than anything a thinker.. i think a lot about each and every thing or everybody related to me.. mylife.. plus as a bonus i am highly egoistic human.. so egoistic that i can go to any limit to satisfy my ego. i have distroyed things that i adore.. lost things, left things and even lost people just to satisfy my ego and the story still continues. may be from some corner of my heart i still miss them and want to knw about then in every corner of life but its fine... i like experimenting things ummmm like to work out, the only place where i take my frustration, anger out.

i have seen all the flavours of life.. when i only wanted to experience vanilla or at the most strawberry but life has given me all but that. I always dream about simple life with a pinch of excitment but ummm i get only excitment with a pinch of simplicity.. so its all other way round for me. i never know when i'll drown in next problem in my life... m always stuck in one or the other problem.

i hate getting depending on others may it be objects or humans.. specially humans.. objects you can still depend upon but humans not a chance. you never know when and where they will leave you.

and for now one last thing i might sound like a jerk but i have a disliking for GOD.