Monday Blue's

Well its been nearly a week that i scribbled here in my blog... umm well i was kinda busy with my life.... and parting harder and harder.. lol.. friday i was there in my office party.. had loads of fun.. played couple of games of bowling and a game of carting.. with loads of vodka and chicken.. lol.. souds good right.. but na wasnt that gud..

to start with .. friday started on a lazy note.. got late in the morning for my office.. reached there and the very same moment i got busy with meetings and work... at around 4:30 we all got together in the premises left for 32nd milestone.. 32nd milestone used to be a hep and happening place but years back and now it suck big time.. neither were the games that we played were any good nor the food...so apart from vodka nothing was gud... lol..

time to sleep wil complete tomorrow morning..

have i changed ?

umm i seriously think i have changed.. my thoughts.. my attitude.. my thinking process... my nature... its all changed.. mum noticed that and she is pointing me in every way that she can so that i can notice.. ummm getting angry is a normal trait for me now..... not efficient in anything.. lazy... thinking all the time abt something.. whats happening to me..

umm time for some change.. i am smart.. handsome.. how will i look with a dull face.. na.. i dont think so that gud.. and then gals will not want to be with me :P so time for a change.. ummmm what can those do at the most who do not matters.... take the materialistic stuff from me.. hey i can buy again ... something which is mine will always be mine.. no one can take that.. lately i have been dominated by external people ... they doinated my thought process .. my behaviour with others.. and stuff..

so a piece of advice for them.

   ________   __    __    _______   __    __
|        | |  |  |  |  /       | |  |  /  /
|  ------' |  |  |  |  |   ____| |  | /  /
|  |___    |  |  |  |  |  |      |  |/  /
|   ___|   |  |  |  |  |  |      |     /
|  |       |  |  |  |  |  |____  |     \
|  |       |   --   |  |       | |  |\  \
|__|       \________/   \______| |__| \__\

         ____     ____  _________   ___     ___
         \   \   /   / /         \ |   |   |   |
          \   \ /   /  |  _____  | |   |   |   |
           \       /   | |     | | |   |   |   |
            \     /    | |     | | |   |   |   |
             |   |     | |     | | |   |   |   |
             |   |     | |_____| | |   |___|   |
             |   |     |         | |           |
             |___|     \_________/ \___________/


                         _____
                        ||   ||
                        |\___/|
                        |     |
                        |     |
                        |     |
                        |     |
                        |     |
                        |     |
                   _____|<--->|_____
                  /     |     |     \
             /    |     |     |     | \
             |    |     |     |     |  |
             |    |     |     |     |  |
             |                      |  |
             |                      |  |
             |                        /
             |                       /
             \                     /
               \                   /
                |                 |
                |                 |


aint you feel good when you are driving your own life the way you want to ?? huh. 
ya man it feels goood... time for me to rectify many things that i did what am i 
not suppose to do..

will take time to rectify everything.. i have had enuff living under the shadow 
of pain..

lemme do some things right.. that i can.. Be right back..

cheers

'==================================================================='
||                            ___                                  ||
||                          .'   '.                                ||
||                         /       \           oOoOo               ||
||                        |         |       ,==|||||               ||
||                         \       /       _|| |||||               ||
||                          '.___.'    _.-'^|| |||||               ||
||                        __/_______.-'     '==HHHHH               ||
||                   _.-'` /                   """""               ||
||                .-'     /   oOoOo                                ||
||                `-._   / ,==|||||                                ||
||                    '-/._|| |||||                                ||
||                     /  ^|| |||||                                ||
||                    /    '==HHHHH                                ||
||                   /________"""""                                ||
||                   `\       `\                                   ||
||                     \        `\   /                             ||
||                      \         `\/                              ||
||                      /                                          ||
||                     /                                           ||
||                    /_____                                       ||
||                                                                 ||
'==================================================================='

how much should one suffer

on a first thought i was thinking that pain and sufferng was a way to make a human remember that he is still a human.. and good times and bad times are part of it.. but well wait.. on a second thought.. there are majorty of 2 humans.. who are never in pain and who are always in pain.. but there are i think 5-8% who are like normal.. pain and hapy times are equal..

unfortunatly i am under those group who are constantly suffering... for whome right from where day start, right from the moment i open my eye lids... its a start for new suffering.. new pain.. new problems.. new tensions.. fuck.... if its physical i can bear it... probably i am not a soft guy from outside.. umm pretty tough.. can take anything,,,, can go to any limit.. why cant it be like that God choose a period of time.. and give me as much physical pain he wanna give.. anything... but i am fed up of these mental pain... these mind games.. these bloody screw ups.. Gosh .. am just fed up.. saturated to the utmost level...

and then there are those people who have no tension.. god don even bother abt giving them ne pain.... they have wat they always want, they always get what they want..

cant he just pity on me for once. ??? hey God if u think we are also a part of u .. then notice me.. why are we here.. just to be an example for others...

i am fed up of this brain.... i wanna be a dumb guy... with no brain.. retarded yaah retarded.. atleast they dont have to think abt anything... they don have to understand anything.. infact they dont need anything in life... just some cloths and food to eat... they dont want car.. dont want jewellry, dont want laptops.... ipods.... tv... ac;s ... all they want are basic // food air water and shelter.. thats it... they dont think about wat to buy next. they dont have to take care of there car.. tensions of getting the car repaired... wearing super fine cloths.. or branded cloths.. levis, alen solly, van husan.. designer stuff.. ritu beri.. versache.. nothing.. just a plain and simple suit from the cheapest store will do for them..

so whos better we guys... who are cribing for anything and everything... inspite of having a fuckin air condited car to move in ... wearing the best of the cloths.. costliest of the shoes.. with money in the wallet jewelery on body... and still cribbing... and on another hand.. those whome we cal retarded.. wearing simple cloths.. no need for luxury when ever we meet them.. they are hapy like they got someting out of this word.. something that no one has...

bloody we are retarded..from our mind...from our thoughts...we are bloody squinted brains.. when some one gets something.. we crib about that think not being with us... and when some one suffer we feel srong... happy comparing ourself to other all the time..

and on very next hand.. these retarded... they are the one who truly enjoy your happiness... they wil never compare themself with us... never.. and they willbe more than happy infact more happy then us.. like its there own achievement.. for what ever we may have brought or achived..

any one who doesnt angry with me huh.... probabl lemme tell you i have known a person from my birth who has lost her mental balance and i have lived my life with her ... and wat i wrote is what i have been seeing.. these people never pretend.. if they are sad atleast they behave in the same manner if they are happy.. then no one is happier than them in this world...

there are many weird thought commin but i should hold down in here. those who are readin i am not pointing towrds anyone its just a feelin that i cant tell anyone...but i can write and i am extremly sorry incase i had hurt some one's feeling some one heart.. plz its a thought process that my brain goes which i cant control...the best of the organ is the worst of it for me - The Brain... see this fuckin brain even controls my eyes now..

Ooops!! sorry for being away.

well i am really very sorry for being away ummmmm well i kinda enjoyed rain and the cool weather.. and yaa loved sleeping.. friday night i tool 3 sleeping pills.. fuck i knw m insane but tel u wat.. they even didnt worked much.. first it took me 3 hours to feel asleep and then i dint had a sound sleep.. i dunno i was pretty stressed even after waking up in the morning.. had some important appointments with the clients.. sigh.. on sat too i was working but it was a pleasure driving all the way with cool breeze blowing.. and some nice ahem ahem romantic songs.. well i seriously wanted to listen to gazals but i guess i misplaced the CD in the car.. anyways.. i had a cd of love songs..so i thought its better to listen to them rather than listening to the bak bak of radio channels.. anyway they were not playing nice music.. whole day i was there in gurgaon only.. ummm for a change watched a movie there.. tried to forget all the sorrow and cheer myself up anyways i cant go back home with a sulken face.. i just don want to give my mom n dad extra tensions about me..

the movie was Gud.. got the last row corner seat.. but wat the fuckin use i was watchin it all alone got the ticket just 5 min before the movie starts.. ohh the movie in the scene is Fantastic four and the silver surfer.. gotta admit its a fantastic movie.. in these 2 hours there is not even a sngle min that you feel the movie is slow or getting boring.. any ways the movie has my fav actress jessica alaba... and tell you wat it was worth watchin the movie...then went back to place.. a frnd of mine was here in delhi . he picked me up from ma place and then we just roam around.. over all a day which went by just like that... and the best part... i slept without sleeping pills that night... and slept for 12 hours straight.. felt fresh once i was awake.. had nice brunch... ahh then study ....

i was infact tryin not be alone i mean u know the more the lonliness the more sorrw wil folow.. sigh... am i getting infected again.. m not at al feeling sleepy... wanted to watch movie.. but i guess this is not the right time.... and i just dont want to take the pills again... its like.. man .... cant just tell you .. my brain is all active... all hyper if i may say so..

well mom yellin gotta rush to bed cya

Finally it rained..

Thank God........ finally after crouching heat it finally rained and am sort of cheered up..i always loved driving when its raining and in afternoon too i went out for a small drive under the rain and by joe i loved every moment of it.. thought i missed a company of my special some one but nevertheless it was a nice experience..

time to leave catch ya in night

Phew !!! back to work.

Shit what a hangover from last night.. my head still paining man.. ummm took 2 sleeping pills but i think this hangover is cause even after taking 2 pills i cudnt sleep... man my head still ache'g like anything.. eyes paining and heart feeling a bit heavy.. umm i was going what i wrote last night when i was under the influence of the drug and i am ashamed of my self.. uhhh why ?? not cause i wrote all that i was thinking but c'mon man how could i forget my "jerry". now to compensate this whole blog is dedicated to him. i know he will never be able to understand what we humans tend to write but he surly knows how much i love him. DDOGGY DUDE.. u rock.. i dunno what i have been if you wudnt have been around me when i am alone.

well to write about him is the simplest thing... no matter what i am.. how i am.. bad.. ugly.. egoistic.. angry bla bla bla.. but for his love towards me is totally unbaised. if i get angry on him.. still he will not leave me, he wont even tell me never to speek to him again.. or ask me choose between my ego and him like others who are related to my life.. i get angry on him.. he leaves me for couple of min and then come back and lick my ankle till the time i don pamper him.. he will keep on licking my ankle. not like others who say they cant live without me but are ready to leave me for any of the mistakes i make.. not talking to me for days.. weeks.. years... Mr. Jerry never leaves me alone even after getting a kick from me.. and only i know how terribly sorry i am for beating you when i am angry.. he doesnt want anything from me.. all we gave him is food and water and nothing else.. and he never demands anything... i only wish the poor guy could speek. ok i should stop writing for some time.. other wise my tears will roll down which i dont want.. but jerry i know onething.. every one can leave me in mid of life but you cant..

love you dude..

Life too long to live...

well sometime(ahem ahem right now this is wat i mean) i feel i am tired of everthing my life.. myself... my presnt i am just tired and i wanna sleep , i had enuff of this... life is ment to enjoy(this is what all says) but i just cant remember when was the last time i trully enjoyed life.. may be the moment i step in my professional life i surrendered my living for money... i didnt joined college cause i wanted to work and why i wanted to work thats a bit personal to discuss here... but i missed out all the college fun... frnds... canteen... lol as college dude talk abt there canteen all the time... i kinda feel jealous but give a chance i would love to experience the college life for once in my life time .... it seems a bit impossible ... anyways what is not ment for me is not ment for me.. i burnt all my life trying to earn a living though i still do not feel bad about it... but may be apart from some money that i earned i have nothing ummmm no friends.... no cousins... no elders(nana nani.. dada dadi ) all i have got is a small family my mom who means a world to me .. my dad ummm my best friend with whome i can share anything ... and a brother... not so sweet :P but ok i love him trully from every corner of my heart... thats it .... and i have a kameena dost gaurav... humm man how can i forget you.. mere daru ka sathi ....

thats it.. these are the only people whome i can think of when i say i have friends and family.. its just that these 5 people i love them khurana BC... sunnle.. i love u too thanks for beeing there brother.. but except that i have encountered betrayal in almost all walks of life... you cousins... ummmm its been ages we talked...

right now may be i am a bit low.. but none to share with.. probably one more thing i just want to write its FUKING difficult to laugh when you wanna cry... smille when you wanna weep and cheer up when u wanna lay down all alone.. its actully difficult.. i dont know how long i can carry this.... but the day i fall will be the day o broke.. i am not scared of falling down but i am scared that there gonna be no one to hold me when am gonna take my last breath... all the times my fear come true.. i have been left alone in life....... i have been ditched by others... i have even been shown low by my own... whome i still respect a lot.. duhhhhhhhhhhh wake up man... wats past is past... but ya c'mon i wanna cry man....but i still wont cry... i knw i am having a very heavy heart.. but i just cant man...

hey i forget to add one name. hey tarang lol... i consider you as a nice human .. i dont know how long we gonna be friends but lemme tell u... you mean a world to me.. i never had a sis.. ok i do but no strings attached... so when i first met you i was floured by ur stupid looks.. :P and ur giggling... but seriously i hope we are pals for ever.. u are a sweety pie... whome i have lots of respect

Man i am a looner.. and one last thing before i log out.. i hate one bitch ... its been 2 years now that i wait to meet you and tell u wat.. u gonna suffer if and when we meet... what ever i am .. is all cause of you bitch .. its easy said that life moves on but is it ???

now i feel a bit relaxed... thanks for listening to me my sweet blog.. aleast you will be always there (ahem ahem till the time server do not crash) to listen to me.. where i can write anything i want...

Life still too long to live...

What an outstanding Student i was...

well i was just sitting idle and refreshing my god ol days and suddenly this word stuck my "Waiting" and then the very next memory which relate to this word was waiting to attend my class.. waiting to sit on desk again..

Ok her goes its about when i was in school. i was not the studious one and defiantly one of the mischievous one in the class. i got my report card for the first term examination.. ohh i was in 8th at that time. but as always i failed in most of the exam. i was scared of my mom and thus never used to show her my examination papers, until and unless she checks my bag and find them herself. this time was no exception.. i didnt showed my papers at my home so there was no question of taking my report card to my mom asking her to sign.. that clearly means asking for super duper trouble. so teacher gave me some grace period you know some more time to get the report card signed ... it got delayed everyday cause i will never tell my mom about the grade card and teacher will want the signature. i wonder why the heck teachers want the signature of parents on report card. so after a week of delay she was done.. she asked me to stand outside the class till the time i do not get the report card signed.. i though may be just for er period and anyway who cares for maths as she was my maths teacher and my class teacher too.. so the first day i was standing outside the very first period. after the priod ended she left giving me a very terrible glare. once she was out of sight i immediately went inside the class and have my seat.. Phew.. was a relief after standing for around 1 hour .. in the mean time the next teacher came in and we started studying.. 2nd period passed by without any nuscance but to my bad luck my class teacher was passing by the class and she noticed that i am not standing outside and am inside so she immediately came inside scolded me for coming inside and asked me to stand outside and this time she made it clear that i am suppose to stand outside whole of the day till the time i get my grade card signed.. i mean c'mon she didn't even pity the poor soul in me man.. how cruel..me poor guy standing outside the class sheesh!! and then she informed my other teacher that she is not suppose to grant me the admission till the time i get my grade card signed. thats it.. after that the information was passed to each and every teacher not to let me in. the day passed by and when i came back i was totally exhausted like my legs were not there and then i slept ummm i wake up and went to play games had my tutions.. then the next day arrived and i was like shit man another OUTSTANDING DAY for me. ohh i mean Out-Standing day. i left my home like everyday happy and then in the midway i was like shit man not again please i was praying that my teacher took a leave today but ... am i suppose to be lucky ever... naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!! the teacher was there well on time and the moment she saw me she demaned the grade card and i was like sorry man i forgot... offcourse i didnt forget .. how can i forget after standing outside the class the whole day. and she was like fine please stand up and take you place where you were yesterday. so like that i was standing outside my class for complete 7 days.. 7 days i used to enter the school keep my bag on my desk and come out whithout her even saying anything. finally she asked me to call my dad cause she got sure that i will not get straighten up this way. and to my relief she asked me to call my dad to school ..

hey did i tell you that my dad is more that a friend to me than dad. i can share any piece of information with my dad but not my mom.. c'mon i am still very scared of her .. so i told my dad that my teacher wants to see him and dad was like .. now what have you done and the i told him the complete story .... My 7 Outstanding days.. lol and he was like ok i'll visit your school today. I was more that relieved that finally today my dad will come to school and then i;ll be allowed to sit inside the class. Ohh By the way teacher thought the kids fear there dad more than mom;s but lucky me it was vice versa in my case. My dad had never ever even slapped me for anything what so ever i may have done but he has never ever even shouted on me for anything. dad i love you for this. so where were we.. yaa the morning when finally i would enter the class not to go out and stand. i entered the class and the first thing my teacher asked was will your dad will be comming to the school ?? and i was like yaa mam he will definatly as i was very sure that he will. but my teacher didn't buy that from me. and she told me that ok that nice so once she will meet my father then only i;ll be given permission to sit inside the class. she was in a whim that today again i am lying to her and she was sure that dad wont come.. today happily i went out side the class and took my stand and waited for my dad. probably that was the longest wait for me in my life, those 2 hours.. ohh actully my dad got late and i had to stand outside for aounr 2 hours. i know how i passed those 2 hours man ... so finally the first period got over and teacher came out and she passed a comment to me ummm i cant remember what exactly she said but something like you dad was suppose to come so will he be comming today only na ??? she laffed at me and left.. the next teacher came and again she saw me standing and she said ok so today also you are standing outside.. by the time the class got over i saw my dad and tell you wat i was more than relived, i was happy man finally i;ll sit after 7 days and 2 hour of standing. dad came met my teacher and then i was finally allowed to sit inside the class.

tell you wat it felt so comfortable sitting on wooden desk nothing was more confortable than that and finally my ass got to sit on the desk inside the class. when the next period started and my teacher came she asked me why are you inside please stand outside and i was very prompt in replying to her that now i can sit inside the class. i have never been so prompt in replying to any of the question she wud ask me ever.. but this time i was very promt. same ways all the teacher asked me about me not standing outside and i replyed them some of them were happy to see a poor little guy finally sitting inside the room under the fans.. and not standing outside the room in hot condition but some were like nothing happend.

So those were the 7 Out-Standing day in my life. standing outside the class for 8 hours non stop ... errr ok ok i used to come inside in the time between a teacher leaving the room and teacher comming inside the room. Phew those were the days i miss...

To forget someone you need to have some one.

OK few months back some one told me that to forget some one you need to have some one in your life... and this line has hit me hard... infact very hard... does this phrase hold any truth ?? can you forget some one or to forget some one does you need some one else.. dont you think it sound a bit ahem ahem a bit slutish ??? i mean today you are with some one and next day you are with some one else just to forget that some one ?? and then again to forget the next one you want some one else ??? this way one will stuck in a never ending chain.

and even if you go this way can you forget that very special some one whome you loved so much that at one time you cannot even breath without chanting his/her name ?? and then comes the friends... they will tell you ha.. the guy/gal wasnt worth your love.. and they put the last nail in the coffin.. the coffin of love ... even if there might be slightest of hope that they might patch up again but thats all burried after that... they will find matches for you .. try to hook you to others.. c'mon guys what are we ??

anyways.. if you can forget some one after someone else came to your life then ummmm u never loved that someone ever...

on a second thought.. if she can forget me and lead a happy life i would be more than happy atleast some can move on with life.. without beeing haunted by the memories.. SIGH..

what a way to start my day... :)

My new possesion

ok .. here i am back again..i think only an hour back i posted one and now i am writing one again.. well i just cant help its like drafting my life till now.. ok.. lets come back to topic my new possesion... GUYS I FINALLY GOT A TATTOO ...yyiippeeee .... i always wanted to have one ... but i was small and moreover tattoo cost a lot and mom dad never aproved for a tattoo. but now fianlly i got one.

i would like to thank a person for her encouragement .. well she;s here in this blooging world and i stumble across her blog searching for tattoo design.. ok she never have ever even uttered a single word to me neither she knows that i came to her blog ever.. but i owe this to her.. i wanted to get one done but you know needle piercing my skin sounds not so good and exciting... but then if she can have.. so can i .. and very next weekend i went to funkie monkey and got one done on my neck.. yaa the most painfull of the places.. and after four days it still burns a bit. but tell you what there is nothing like people admiring the tattoo... and i am totally loving it.

Lemme share my design with you ... its a dragonfly.. with open wings.. ummm in black..
i know its a bit hazzyy but after its heeled it will be crisp and clear... for now the skin is peeling and i have to apply the vaseline every couple of hours to keep my skin away from itching.. and tell you what it itch a lot man... i have make sure that my shirt doesnt rub againt the skin... it gives a sheer burning sensation.

here lemme add the picure where i exactly got it done.. but any one who is getting incouraged to get one done please let me tell you that on neck its gonna hurt a lot.. the skin there is very delicate and you have to take special care of the neck... otherwise ...sigh... get ready for sleepless nights..

yaa now you can see where exactly i got it done.. ohh please excuse me for my dark neck .. its not tanned at all its just that after tattoo its a bit swollen and not that my neck is tanned :P but flaunting you tattoo ... damm it feel so gooooooood man ... lol... i know people are getting jealus of my tattoo.

ok so here goes.. i went to funkie monkey on saturday..... all alone nothing to do... i already freezed on the design so all what was left was getting it on my skin... reached there at around 2 in the afternoon went to the guy booked an apointment with him so finally we setteled for 4 PM.... til then i was roaming around here and there but most of the time i was in my car listening to music having coke...resting my mind... couple of hours went by like that... well i can actully sit alone for hours all alone.... and these 2 hours were piece of cake for me.... when clock struck 4 i went upstairs to the shop.. but then i was told that its gonna take another 45 min for my turn to come so again i was left with no choice but to sleep in car.. i was actully short of funds alredy so didnt thought of havng anything to eat anyways in DT its fuking costly.. my turn finaly came around ummm around 7.. when i went inside the room .... he made a stencil of the design and printed on my neck...and then i laid back on the chair.. and finally the needle went inside peircing my skin for the first time... though in the starting the pain was bearable but after some time it was not... anyhow i was not in my best of the moods and was sort of pissed off so the pain didnt bothered me much ..... after some 1 and a half hour of pain and needle piercing my skin filing color it was done... he finally did the packin of the tattoo and before packing it he cleaned the tatto..

about the pain... tell u guys neck is the place where the skin is pretty sensitive and it pain like fuckin hell and tel you wat after 4 days it still pains... not pain hummmm it burns and it burns a lot.. i thought its not gonna burn that much cause i already had a very small tattoo on my arm... at that time it didnt hurt that much so i thought its not gonna be that painful but .... BUT it was painfull and then i had 2 sleepless night after it... but now the skin has started heeling and peeling too....

ummm i hope i havnt forgot anything about it.... yaa one thing.. after effect of tattoo i mean when i entered home and my mom saw it.. it wassss ummmmmmmm i can find any word to describe it but yaa tell you wat i was about to be disowned by my mom... hehehe.... but luckily she calmed down a bit and i was finally given some food.. (that day was my mom n dad's 25th aniv. and all the plans got ruined... bad man.. i cudnt do anything for my mom n dad 25th aniv.. but i havnt forgot anyting.. its just time... let my time come..wat i have planned for them i will execute..) and finally i slept ohhh i meant to say i tried to sleep but whole night i was just trying too ...... ummmm then i had chat with one my frnd....the one with whome i got into some trouble... but tell you wat... things got worst after that.... neways..... time to put my brain to rest if it can... its upto my brain now.. :P

Why i choose to blog.

Well now the next question comes to my mind is why is there a need to blog. ummmmm i thought about it a lot many times and only possible answer i can come across is that this will be the only place where i can rant about anything. about myself, my life, things that i hate, people that i love bla bla bla bla.. i am a person who cannot express myself to any one.... my emotions , my wants, my needs... i just cant express.. i fear expressing myself might hurt others... and more over i dont want to impose myself on others..

for an example.. my mom n dad just had there 25th anniversary last weekend on sat. and a friend of mine was here so till friday i had only one plan to celebrate there anniversary. and at the same time because i was busy a friend of mine made a program with her friends to catch up a movie. suddenly all my plans failed as friend had to leave for his home town due to some urgencies. I told my friend that all plans failed as he had to leave but still i told her that i;ll be busy because she had made her own plan for that day. now i don't want her to miss the movie...... i mean come on guys no one loves backing out last minute so i pretended that i wud b busy whole day... i do understand that she had her friends too apart from me and how can i influence her to not to meet her frds and be with me always..... but i dunno where it went wrong she took it in a wrong way and then told me that i don't need to find excuses not to meet her .... c'mon... its like she had already made her plans and ruining them just for me probably i don agree to that but anyways things got bad just because she thought that i didn't wanted to meet her.. ummmm to make it worse i was taken over by my ego :D i don't know when will i get rid of this ego thing... seriously man .. as i said before when ego takes on me i am altogether a different person.. and may be i am insecure in my life with every relationship. fear of hurting someone;s feeling and finally they abandoning me is what i have in me. i can always say no one matters to me to cool down my ego and to give it a sweet candy but they do matter a lot. some part of my mind keep thinking about all those people and my blunders that i did...ahhh loosing actully hurt a lot and probably for a guy like me who just cant forget things will hurt far more and for a longer period of life.. the memory will haunt for ever of for a very very long time. and like every one i have got a +ve human in me and a -ve human in me.. and i am dominated by that -ve part of me more often.

here i go again... nevertheless here i can scream, yell abuse anyone... and ya 1 last thing i'll not mind my own business here...

some time i wish i can forget everything in my life and can be a different person altogether. you know abandoning my current life and starting a new one with a different name .... different nature... different thougts ..... no memories at all possibly less tension of life... you know something like that .... ahhhh i can actully give a everything for that..... but... am stuck here for now and i have to continue this ......

ya ya ya ya.. i knw all of you will say from here on try to make your life beautiful forget things ur past you have got whole of ur life.. wat are u just twenty something... you can make your life a better one easily... but believe you me guys.. its not that easy specially even when you have some happy moments and you remember your past attached to those happy moments.. the next second they are not happy moments...

something i miss in my last post i dont like crying. and i was reading that you feel light when you cry but what will happen when u cant cry ?? will that burden you more.. well yes that do burden your life a lot.. things which are in heart, in your mind... they do...

ok lemme end this blog here.. i have got a lot to crib about in my life that i will be writing here.. probably after this i might feel light..

About Me

ok so to start with my new blog it has to be About me... what am i all about... who am i bla bla bla... so here it is.... while driving my way back to my place i was infact thinking about it ..... how to start my new blog i thought of writing something about today but then i thought its better if i can be systematic for once in my life time so i decided to start with describing something about me. I am a twenty something guy.. a dreamer and more than anything a thinker.. i think a lot about each and every thing or everybody related to me.. mylife.. plus as a bonus i am highly egoistic human.. so egoistic that i can go to any limit to satisfy my ego. i have distroyed things that i adore.. lost things, left things and even lost people just to satisfy my ego and the story still continues. may be from some corner of my heart i still miss them and want to knw about then in every corner of life but its fine... i like experimenting things ummmm like to work out, the only place where i take my frustration, anger out.

i have seen all the flavours of life.. when i only wanted to experience vanilla or at the most strawberry but life has given me all but that. I always dream about simple life with a pinch of excitment but ummm i get only excitment with a pinch of simplicity.. so its all other way round for me. i never know when i'll drown in next problem in my life... m always stuck in one or the other problem.

i hate getting depending on others may it be objects or humans.. specially humans.. objects you can still depend upon but humans not a chance. you never know when and where they will leave you.

and for now one last thing i might sound like a jerk but i have a disliking for GOD.